Not Me, Not Now

Ask the Experts Frequently Asked Questions about Deciding about Sex

How do I say “No” to my partner?

Be honest and straightforward with your partner – before things get hot and heavy. Find a time to talk privately. Know what you want to say before you sit down to talk. You could start by telling your honey how you feel about your relationship, maybe discuss the things you like about your partner and the two of you together. This will help your partner to know that your decision to steer clear of sex isn’t a rejection. It’s an important personal choice.

Then explain why you want to wait to have sex. You don’t need to defend your decision, just share your feelings so your partner understands why a sexual relationship isn’t right for you right now. You should also know your sexual boundaries. Is kissing OK, but other touching isn't? How far are you willing to go sexually? Set limits.

If you two are together because you're totally into each other, then letting your partner know how you feel should only bring you closer (if it doesn't, then you have to wonder how good the relationship was to begin with). Whatever you do, never give up what you think is right for the sake of a relationship.

Teens Tell All about...
Waiting/Abstaining from Sex

Some people feel they haven't found the right person yet and you don't want to just give it to anybody. You want who you give it to to be special. You want them to be your heart.¹
I don't know about any of you, but religion plays a big part in my life. And abstinence is what's preached. So I plan to not have sex.²
It's just easy not to [have sex] because there are so many things that could happen. You could get diseases. You could get pregnant. Guys aren't going to really want to marry someone who has a kid. They probably want to marry someone that hasn't had sex. They want to be the first one. It's just so much easier not to do it. Just wait.³
I choose not to have sex because I'm scared. I'm scared I might get pregnant or I might get HIV.⁴
I think a lot of their own personal morals have to do with that, like maybe the religion that they're in, or maybe what they've been taught from their parents, or their background. I can understand how people can choose to have sex, obviously, but I can also understand how people choose not to.⁵
For girls, if you're sleeping with somebody and then the whole school finds out. I have seen friends that have their reputation messed up and you can't heal from it. It's like a scar.⁶
A lot of guys find it really respectable when they find out she's not what they thought. It's "Oh, wow! That girl looks good! I betcha she's gonna 'put out' today." And they try to talk to her. Then, when they finally get to know her, and they find something interesting besides the look, they're like, "Wow! That's really cool." That's the type of girl that guys want. They say they wanna 'get laid,' but you talk to a lot of guys, and they'll tell you, in the end they want a girl that isn't like that.⁷
I saw what [having sex] did to other girls' lives. It's something that I wouldn't want to have happen to myself. I want to have it in my own time. My mom has always been frank and honest with me. She was very open and said, "These are the consequences. This is what happens. And if you really feel like doing it, please use protection. It's your choice, but if you don't really want to ruin your life, you need to think about it first."⁸
I have goals that I don't want to throw away. I want to go to college, and then maybe after college, I'll think about that. But right now, I don't want to do it because I know that I could ruin my chance of going to college and all that, so I know that I don't want to.